Disgruntled, heartbroken, and confused

I like to think of myself as a pretty easy going person, I go with the flow of things, I do my best to adjust to the obstacles presented in my life. Rather than get upset and mad and throw a tantrum (SEE: teenage years), I have been able to allow myself to feel the anger, but then to let it wash over me and to move on. I try to approach situations with an open mind and not be too quick to judge. Yes of course I am only human and have my mishaps and the occasional "crazy" has come out, no one is perfect. And in general I am a very emotional person (I cry when I'm happy, sad, excited, nervous, angry, ecstatic, you get the idea) and try not to let my feelings cloud my judgment. I say this because I have not been this distraught over anything like this, ever. And my patience is running thin...

My friend/teacher got a yellow lab puppy not too long ago (I have spammed this blog with her photos). Her name is Hazel and she now lives in our little complex with all of us. Hazel's parents now both live in the unit. Now our rooms are less than desirable for a couple. Personally for me, it fits perfectly. I have my bed, my yoga setup, and a small desk and place for my clothes. We also each have our own bathroom. My room is on the end so it's one of the bigger ones. Hazel's parents room is not. Well for starters, they put Hazel in diapers. And no I'm not lying about this. Labs are the easiest to train and they cut a hole in the diapers for her tail...this went on longer than I care to admit. Though not without making a remark about the ridiculousness of this (she is 4 months old now). She also sleeps outside. That I can understand somewhat, but this has been what has been breaking my heart. The puppy is tied to a pole and not even given enough leash to properly stand up and there's no shade to protect her from Thailand's hot sun. No bed to sleep on (I know I spoil my pets, but a cement floor is hardly desirable). 

If it were just that, I wouldn't write a blog entry about it. This is just how I am venting about this situation. 

To take into consideration: the owners are Filipino and Thai and thus I know there's a cultural difference in how we (westerners) treat our pets and how they are treated out here and I am trying to understand but as each day passes I just pray that this puppy turns out okay. So she's tied to a pole all day with no shade and restricted on water intake as well. We live in Thailand! Our temps are 85-95 daily! So naturally I sneak her water when the owners aren't around (I have seen them throw out her water when they think she's had enough). We work all day and I doubt the dog gets taken out on even a short walk because we live at school. Where can she go? We can't have her out when students are around. So this dog (if she doesn't soil herself on the pavement, which she does) tries to hold it as long as possible so she doesn't have to sit in her own filth. 

So we have covered the lack of exercise/potty walks she gets on the daily, the restricted water intake, and the soiling herself because her owners don't walk her when she needs to potty. 

I wish I didn't have more to write. 

The other night it was pouring rain and I got caught in the rainstorm without an umbrella or a raincoat. My own fault, oh well! Okay so I open our gate and as soon as I lock it I look over and see Hazel completed soaked, covered in mud, and she's whimpering. The leash isn't long enough for her to get under the roof to hide from the rain. Her parents have their door wide open and I ask about Hazel. When I mentioned a bed for her it was received with an astonished smile "no." As though that thought was inconceivable. So I go to my room and just sort of collapse on my bed. I wasn't going to sleep well that night knowing this dog is outside in this storm. I messaged a few friends as well as my mom because this is such a crap situation to be in and I didn't know if I was overreacting or not. Basically I wanted justification from family and friends and I wanted to ask the owners if I could let her sleep in my room. I had just decluttered my room so it would be easy to puppy proof it. I mustered up the courage and went and asked them if I could. Although they were hesitant about it they said okay. I immediately untied her and took her into the bathroom to bathe her and toweled her off. Walked her and finally got that muzzle off of her. Oh I forgot to mention, they have the muzzle on her at almost all times because they don't like her when she barks. She gets hit on nose and spanked when she makes noises, I've unfortunately have witnessed this on multiple occasions. I tell them she's just being a puppy. But clearly this is not how they want her to act. Okay so muzzle is off and we have a nice walk and we go inside and I find a blanket to put on the floor (picked up my yoga stuff to make room) and gave her a towel, a floor pillow I never use, and a stuffed animal to play with. She loved playing with the toy (she's never had a toy) and she fell asleep when I did. However she woke me up every two hours to be let out. First time I ignored her because I was half asleep and forgot I had a puppy in my room and she peed the floor. Felt so bad and after that I never missed a whimper again. Was hard to return her in the morning after that. So I thought that maybe things would get better. I kept the muzzle (and still have it in my room) and put the pillow and toy by her so she has something to play with and enjoys it now...

So then today (Friday) happens. We have a big ceremony at school (new bank branch is opening at our school) so it's been a busy morning. By the time we finish teaching we are all exhausted and thankful for the weekend. Well I head home and notice Hazel is tied up and owners door is locked so they're out and about and I give her a little water and go about doing my laundry. It's around 3pm. I come back around 4:30pm and no sign of owners and today the sun was really hot and Hazel has no shade. I untie her leash a little so she has more room, but there's no shielding the sun at this hour. So I give her some water and take her for a walk so she can do her business. Poor thing must have been holding this all day, she went twice and peed a few times. Sorry if TMI, but just took me by surprise. So I return her and owners still aren't home. I tend to my laundry and attack my room (determined to downsize my wardrobe). I give her a little water and take her for another walk (6pm). No owners still. Around 7:30-8pm my friend and I agree to meet at the market and just as I'm locking my door, Hazel sees me and starts whimpering. I know exactly what that means and went over to her and saw she had peed on the pavement. I untie her leash and take her for short walk so she can do her business. This time she is just trying to eat something, not sure when she was last fed. I just sighed and told her I was so sorry about this and played with her a bit and tried to get her to lie down on the cushion and play with the frog toy. My friend came to the hate to see the pup (I have been making a stink about this to my friends in town) and she couldn't believe the state the pup was in. She was shocked. I told her it's terrible and it's prison for her. This is abuse and it makes me sick. Our friend Sasha saw the pup the other day when she came over and even made a comment to the owner about how sad it is that she's tied to a pole all day. Of course the comment has no effect. So Gemma and I set off because Hazel started barking once I turned away and I told Gemma I needed to go because it's just too hard for me to watch at this point. I vented about it and was shocked at how upset I was/am about this. I've never seen anyone mistreat an animal this way. And for them not to realize it's abuse or that they're doing anything wrong. I'm honestly on the verge of tears when I think of this puppy. So I came home about an hour ago and Hazel is barking and I just about lose it with my neighbors. I asked my friend where the owners are and grab Hazel to walk her and she instantly went potty. It's past 10pm and the owners have been away for 7+ hours. If they want to go, that's fine, just let me or one of us know so we can look after the dog. Jeffrey called them because apparently she's been barking for awhile (her potty bark). I grabbed my cell on the walk and called my dad at work because I honestly don't know what to do in this situation. I'm in a foreign country where not everyone views our treatment of pets the same. Why get a puppy if you won't bond with her? Oh and the owners are annoyed that her coat isn't one solid shade of yellow. She has a darker streak on her back and that upsets them. I have taken a lot of deep breaths and done a lot of yoga, but I can't keep witnessing this and not do anything. 

My friends and I are going to talk to one of our Thai friends (who loves dogs) and ask what we can do about this because this is unethical and inhumane. The owners are really really nice, I love spending time with them, which is why it's so shocking to me that this treatment is okay for them. Maybe they don't see it as inhumane? I've mentioned a couple things about the lack of activity the dog gets and the water, but haven't brought this up to them entirely. They came home around 10:30 and I was just finishing the walk and gave the leash back. They apologized for the barking and they said they were just home and fed her 2-3 hours ago so maybe she got fed while I was out (I hope she did). And yet I just heard barking and went outside and their door is locked and the pup is tied on a pole outside another persons room. They shut the door so they wouldn't hear the barking. 

My heart breaks for this puppy that just entered my life. Please if you have any advice, tips, info - anything on this, please share with me! Am I overreacting? I've never been one to just bite my tongue when something doesn't feel right. 

What a week...

School has been good, just have been sick to my stomach over this puppy lately.

Until next time...

Hazel and Jao Chai (prince). Figured she needed the prince more than me ;)

I went outside and this is what I saw:

Tallyho

Well it's 1:35am and I'm wide awake. Why might you ask? Well I normally turn my wifi off at 8pm so I can journal and read and usually asleep 9-10pm. Exciting life in Mae Chan I know! However I got hooked on my new book and read until 11pm (heaven forbid!) knowing that Tuesday is my long day of teaching I opt to finally close my book at the end of the chapter and turn my lights off for dreamland. Now normally this happens quite quickly, it's part of my charm? However my mind was wandering from the book to some day dreaming to what if scenarios, you get the idea. Well I try to sleep in different positions and nothing seemed to work. So I realize I need to go to the bathroom so I turn my light on and I glance over and see a huge cockroach on my desk! Somehow I manage not to scream bloody murder and dart into the bathroom hoping to go unnoticed. I take a few deep breaths and peer out of my bathroom and look to see where he was and he had vanished! This was around midnight and I'm still awake. Initially I threw myself into my bed, grabbed my iPhone, and hid under my blanket. Enabled wifi and had an instant message (lol not massage 555) from a friend to keep me company. However since I live in Thailand and temperatures don't change too much and I don't have ac, I felt like I was in a sauna. I would sneak some fresh air in, but didn't want to risk the attack of the cockroach. Finally after repeating "I am 27, I am an independent woman, I am a grown woman, I have lived in the amazon without electricity and walls, I have befriended howler monkeys, I have survived many freak nature attacks, I can do this" over and over in my head, I took a deep breath and exposed my upper body to the fresh air and turned the light back on. Since then I have spooked myself with the mirror (I moved my foot and saw it in the mirror and nearly hit the ceiling before realizing it was only me). I keep glancing at the original scene of the crime wondering how I could exterminate this foul creature, but as the minutes pass I am going to somehow have to figure out how to survive the night. Mae Chan Coffee green iced tea blended (I hate coffee, just the name of my favorite cafe) is going to be a requirement tomorrow if I am to survive five classes tomorrow. However since I have been up I can write some about the bombing that took place in Bangkok a few hours ago...

I was at a friends having dinner and Annie announced an explosion had happened in Bangkok just now. We get on our phones and begin to google. Well I google and my British friend BBC's, not exactly a verb like google, but anyhow. So we try to read updates on it and now I think the latest is 16 dead and over 80 injured. Still unsure the group, but definitely targeted tourists. Was at a Hindu shrine. My friend happened to be there earlier and got hungry and left to get food just minutes before the explosion. She didn't get hurt, but she felt the explosion at the cafe she was at. So happy she is safe, but after dealing with riots the day before and now this, she's ready to be going back to Bali. Bangkok has never been bombed so it's shaking up quite a storm. Theories are bein thrown around, but so far nothing confirmed. I am safe and sound in Mae Chan (up to debate with the cockroach intrusion), but in all honestly I am praying that everyone recovers and is safe. I have friends in Bangkok and happy to hear they are safe and sound. 

I taught a seminar over the weekend to Thai teachers, emphasis on pronunciation and listening. What a circus, but overall a great learning experience and I got paid so that always helps with a learning experience.

My passport is ready for pickup so I'm a bit nervous because now Australia is coming closer and closer! Trying to stay present...

My friend can't come travel with me in October so I'm flying solo...going to do the elephant nature park in Chiang Mai the first weekend then fly straight to Bali. Skipping the Thai islands because I would rather explore anther country. Hiking a volcano to see the sunrise, surfing (yay!), yoga hostel in gilli, and just relaxing and have a proper holiday. Taking a break from alcohol because well, it's no secret it doesn't always work in my favor. So back to fruit, yoga, exercise, and reading a lot. Less time online (except for when under attack from thailands wildlife) and spending more time outdoors. Promised myself to get outside and at least walk without my music on, to get away from technology. Catch every sunset. Write down 3 things I'm thankful for every day and to write in my journal daily. I just finished Brida (Paulo Coelho - wrote the alchemist) and had some beautiful quotes in there, although not one of my favorites books- still enjoyed the themes. 

Quote by Yeats, it's referenced in the book: 

I have spread my dreams under your feet; tread softly because you tread on my dreams 

And then just other quotes I particularly liked 

That afternoon I gave myself wholly as well. I was his companion, his wife, his audience, his lover. In a matter of only a few hours, I experienced the love of a lifetime" 

"I know he'll never come back, which is why I could love him with such strength and such certainty, because I would never lose him; he had given himself to me entirely that afternoon."

"By the taste. You can only know a good wine if you have first tasted a bad one."

"People give flowers as presents because flowers contain the true meaning of Love. Anyone who tries to possess a flower will have to watch its beauty fading. But if you simply look at a flower on a field, you will keep it forever, because the flower is part of the evening and the sunset and the smell of damp earth and the clouds on the horizon."

"That you will never be mine, and that is why I will never lose you. You were my hope during my days of loneliness, my anxiety during moments of doubt, my certainty during moments of faith" 

"I will always remember you, and you will remember me, just as we will remember the evening, the rain on the windows, and all the things we'll always have because we cannot possess them." 

Started another book and it's so far amazing, however too scared to turn my book light on to read in bed because of the cockroach. I swear I'm a grown woman...

Okay it's now 2:10am and time for sleep...alarm goes off in five hours! 6am was going to happen, but nope not tomorrow/in a few hours. Hopefully will have more to update by next week! Until next time! 

I Just Did It

How I answer the never ending question...How did I do it? How did I do what? Quit my job, give my notice to my landlord, pack up everything I own in my jeep and road tripped the coast of California to visit friends and family before I embarked on an insane adventure? I just did it. I was 25 and working a corporate office job that I didn't like nor enjoy (foreclosure specialist and auditor for loans for a big bank in California) - basically think "Office Space" and that described my office life in a nutshell. I had a couple friends there, but we didn't hang out after work. 

September 2012

I moved to San Diego in 2012 after exploring Peru for the summer. I was a bit depressed after having a summer of a lifetime- meeting people from around the world and soaking up Peruvian culture (I was born in Lima and this was my gift to myself). I ate street food and stayed in hostels, had electronics stolen and slept on 21 hour bus rides. I lived in the amazon with no electricity and befriend two howler monkeys that slept with me at night. I volunteered in a government school and had hundreds of students singing and dancing. Festivals were an every day activity and always surrounded by beautiful souls. I hiked in the biggest canyons in the world, stayed the night on Lake Titikaka, and hiked the inca trail. Yes, a trip of a lifetime. I was poor and had little money and when I flew home I bought a one way ticket to San Diego to start my new life there. Friends from college helped me with transpiration and housing until I got my own place and my mom drove a car down for me. I worked odd jobs, but primarily stayed in Ocean Beach to keep being distracted from reality. 

January 2013 - January 2014

I knew I wanted to travel again, but my dream of traveling started to fade when I landed this bank job January 2013. Anyhow, I worked a lot (overtime galore). Leaving for work when the sun wasn't up yet to leaving the office when the sun had set. Granted not all the time, but I love being outside and the sunshine is my favorite thing (hence why I moved from Santa Cruz to San Diego), but wasn't really able to enjoy where I was living. I also had broken my hand that winter and had surgery and went through intense hand therapy to get mobility back. From an avid runner and active person to being told I may never have full function of my hand again...well you can imagine my determination to get it back. Once I was approved to try some activities, I signed up for a Groupon that scored me a month of unlimited yoga and the studio was by my house. I was a gymnast when I was younger, but shattered my arms goofing off doing back handsprings so ended my little career at 14. However I loved tumbling. Well after my hand therapy I couldn't even do downward dog. I was too scared to put any weight on my $20,000 hand in case it broke again. Shows how much I know about recovery. Well the yoga instructors were so helpful with giving me alternatives for certain postures I started coming every day to class because it not only improved my hand mobility, I started to make a network of friends and my depression started to slip off my shoulders with every asana I practiced. After my month I knew I would make the membership work for me ($129/month yikes), but I went every day and sometimes twice (more for meditation) and it was well worth the price. I became hooked and it kept my sanity at work. I started in April 2013 and never looked back. Well a job opening in my department opened up and my boss wanted me to apply for it so I did and I was super nervous about it and then I got it and with it became an even higher offer, a foreclosure specialist. Have I ever worked in foreclosures? Nope. But I knew how our department worked and hoped I would be quick enough to learn everything. Well with a new job meant a lot of new information being thrown at me and found myself going to yoga more and more. Add a sad relationship in there and my depression came back a bit. I wasn't my happy self and I recognized it, but was too tired to make any changes. Felt that I could just stick it out. That I was just going through a slump. But 2013 wasn't all that bad...One of my good friends from college moved to San Diego early in the year so I had a new friend to explore the city with. We made a bucket list and soon we were exploring breweries and beaches, hiking and spearfishing (side note, came eye to eye with a fish and just couldn't do it so speared seaweed instead). Introduced her to another one of my friends from college and we became a trio. We went sailing all summer, drank lots of champagne, and really got to make San Diego our home. Jackie and I bought a groupon for our dive certifications and it was the best birthday gift to myself ever. We loved our SEALs (navy SEALs) even though they couldn't stand us, but they really loved us (we hope). We went every weekend after our certification and that's when I fell in love with the world down under. Sharks, octopus, fish, and eels galore. Bat rays and lobsters. A true heaven. That's also where my wanderlust itch started to surface again. I was dating a guy who had told me that he was looking for a serious relationship, someone to settle down with, someone to start a family with. He was 31 and I appreciated the honesty upfront. He said he didn't want to date me if I still planned on traveling. Well since my friends were dating guys and I didn't want to be alone I had decided to give the relationship a go. Then he broke up with me on Thanksgiving, on the phone. I had to work the day before and the day after so I spent thanksgiving alone in San Diego. Woke up and went for a nice walk on the beach, acai bowl for brunch, a walk on the pier. Took a yoga class and was getting all settled in for Harry Potter and got the call. So after we hung up I basically just broke down in tears. I'm a sap in general and called my parents and got to talk to my family and immediately felt better. Well he called me back and said he changed his mind and wanted to stay with me. The emotions I went through, I just couldn't deal. Well his grandmother had just passed away and he was home for the service and said he got to talk to her before her last words and that's when he thought we could make it work. Somehow I felt relieved and was able to fall asleep. I confided with my coworker (she honestly knows me the best because of how much time we spend together and I somehow tell her everything) and well, she knew we wouldn't work, but I was too stubborn to really listen. I didn't want to be single over the holidays. Christmas I got to see my family and had a great time in SF and with my grandparents. Got grounded again. I also started to notice that while I was with my boyfriend I didn't go to yoga as much, but I ignored my calendar (I really didn't want to see the signs apparently). New Years was good and then we went on a ski trip and the day we got back he broke up with me. I had no tears left to cry after that and just got my things from his room and drove to my friends house and told her everything. I didn't cry, part of me knew we weren't going to work. So I deleted my Facebook because we had a lot of friends in common and didn't want to deal with anything and threw myself into yoga and work. Was so happy to be in the studio and couldn't believe I stopped going all for a boy. Yoga unravels layers and I didn't want to see what I was hiding even from myself. However I had a feeling that 2013 was a building year for me and that 2014 would be my year to shine. And I had no idea what was in store for me. 

February 2014

I llicked my wounds through my yoga practice and was approached by one of my favorite instructors to have a chat with her. And it was about signing up for teacher training 200 hour program. I saw the price and flinched, but she said there are payment options and we would make it possible. I went home that night and called my mom and she was thrilled about the idea. I've always loved fitness (gymnastics, soccer, ski team, running) and yoga is much better for your body. Oh and side note, at this point I could do inversions and full handstands and one arm poses, my hand had recovered and I trusted myself again. So the next day I went to the studio and after the class I signed up. I was told to keep a journal and write after every class. About themes, feelings, music, and whatever else surfaced during the practice. The class didn't start for a month so I went every day to a class and wrote some sentences, but nothing too deep. Heart opening postures, how my hand felt in certain asanas, my like/dislike towards music, etc. well the night of the first meeting I was so nervous. And very shy. We all introduced ourselves and did some yoga and got to know each other. By the end of class we had OMies and names and numbers exchanged. That's also when the sheet went around to make a Facebook group. I still hadn't activated mine back, but felt I could do it for the group. So that night at the end of February I sat in front of my computer and logged into my dreaded Facebook. Of course the first thing I did was unfriend my ex, don't want to see any updates about him. So adds start happening from my yogis and I start scrolling through my newsfeed and came across a paid teaching ad in Thailand. I've always wanted to teach again and to get paid sounded even better, I clicked on the ad and got directed to the GVI website. So I applied. Spent about an hour or so on the application and clicked send. Never would have thought anything would come from that. Oh universe, you sly beautiful soul. 

March 2014. 

Only an email response a few weeks later popped up and we setup a phone interview. Two happened over this month and I was doing so much yoga and spending a lot of time with my new friends. I confided in my group about my plan and they were all so supportive, the best support group I could have hoped for. However I was also so nervous because what if...(insert every fear and doubt here). Well everything happens for a reason whether we want to believe it in that moment or not. 

April 2014

Yoga teacher training was coming to an end and I had made my deposit with the Thailand program and now I needed to break the news to my parents. Our last yoga class I had drawn a stone labeled "love" and we all had to sit with the stone we chose and talk about what it meant to us. I first thought I would talk about my love for the group, but when my turn fell I just started to talk about my journey until this point and realized that I had fallen back in love with myself again. I surrounded myself with beautiful souls and positive people, they have been my rock and have reflected how I see myself and now instead of seeing damaged and lost, I saw happiness and smiles. I struggled with an eating disorder since I was 13. A boy told me I would be prettier if I was thinner and I figured out how to hurt myself (bulemia) to prevent weight gain and to limit my calorie intake to 1000kcal/day. I told him I lost 5lbs in two days and he said cool and would hang out with me. Disgusting, I'm aware- but that's how it started and I got hooked ever since. It went through waves, but I have always had a pretty hard time looking at my body. Especially in a yoga room when there are slim slender bodies all around me, was hard for me not to compare. But with my yoga teacher training (and journaling a lot) I learned to appreciate my strengths and to love myself again. I was told I couldn't use my hand again and now I'm always doing inversions any chance I get, I got into yoga sculpt (free weights), and knew when to push me and when to relax. With that being said, I told myself before my teacher training began I would completely stop. I had already reduced to it to once or twice a month rather than every meal and I haven't looked back since. Anyhow, I confessed to the group about my ability to love myself again when I didn't really know I was lost. Tears flooded my eyes and my friend comforted me. I am such a mess! My friends know I cry at everything (any emotion I swear, my chakras need some balance hehe). So by the end of April I had completed my 200hour YTT and accepted the job in Thailand! 

May 2014

Now it was time to see how my parents would react. I'm very close with them and was rather nervous about telling them I am moving to Thailand for a year and not sure when I will be back...I saw my parents a couple times this month. One weekend for Mother's Day weekend and the next was for my best friends wedding in our home town (was a bridesmaid). At this point all my friends knew Thailand was happening and my parents seemed to take the news quite well. Although I don't think they believed me, honestly I didn't believe it myself, it sounded completely absurd. My birthday was fantastic and the wedding was perfect. Ended the month with LIB with one of my closest friends from YTT. 

June- July 2014

Paperwork galore with the organization and I started to panic a bit. Not thinking I had enough money and so any doubts surfaced, so through myself into more yoga to keep my sanity. Work was a scary time (we had a merger this year so many jobs were lossed and titles changes) so I did my best to just keep my head low and do paperwork until I went crosseyed. 

August 2014

Now was the time when I needed to buy my ticket...I gave my 30 days to my roommate (I do miss our yogi house) and now needed to start tying up everything on my end so I can be out of San Diego on the 15th. Bought my first ever one way international flight! SFO to Chiang Mai. You know I didn't even look up where Thailand was on a map until my BFF came to visit and we looked on a map in July. She was like "you didn't even look to where it was!?" "Well I knew Thailand was in Asia, just didn't realize it was so far..." Classic Cailin moment. I also had the opportunity to spend a weekend with my two BFFs from growin up and we hadn't been together in forever (6-7 years?) and they celebrated my decision and well we just had lots to celebrate. (One got engaged and asked both of us to be bridesmaids, hooray!) Came back to San Diego and then I gave my two weeks notice to my work and almost threw up. Was so nervous to meet with my bosses, but was so relieved that they were supportive of my decision. They kept it quiet until September when they would make an announcement. 

September 2014

Fastest month of my life. Jackie helped me eliminate most of my stuff in San Diego since I had to make everything fit in my jeep (including my mountain bike). Two bottles of wine helped and tears and realizing this was our last girly night hanging out, was quite sad. One of my really good friends knew I wanted to see a San Diego chargers game before I left, but ran out of town and money so he surprised me with field level tickets the day before I left! And we won! Spent most of my time with my OMies and did yoga even on my last day in San Diego. My roommate and I cried and hugged an she told me I had to come back. So the next couple weeks my time was spent by the ocean with friends and family and unloaded my boxes at my parents and packed a suitcase and my backpack and then my dad drove me to SFO super early in the morning of the 24th. He turned to me and said "I can't believe you're really doing this." "I can't believe it either." My mom had a hard time saying goodbye, but I reassured her I would iMessage 24/7. My dad and I have burgers and fries and a coke at the airport (last meal in America, gotta do it right) and then I went to the queue for security and he left - he started to cry and didn't want me to see. I surprisingly wasn't in tears, I think I had cried enough that year that I was prepared for this moment. I felt at peace in the airport and patiently awaited the boarding call and got seated and turned my phone on airplane mode and that was it. Then we were off and I fell asleep most of the way. Woke up to watch a movie then fell asleep and woke up in Singapore. Explored that crazy beautiful airport and did some dorky yoga poses to post on Instagram and skyped a little and slept. Then was off to Chiang Mai! Just praying someone had a sign with my name on it. Went through immigration smoothly and sure enough there was someone there with my name on a sign and I got escorted to a Tuk Tuk and arrived at Eco Resort...which is where my blog starts :) 

So it's not exactly I just decided to, but I just did it. And when you want something bad enough everything in the universe conspires for you. I deserve it all, I am enough, I am strong enough. Thailand has been the best decision of my life. It has surfaced insecurities, strengths, love, heartbreak, passion for life, uncontrollable laughter, meeting the most amazing people I could ever have hoped for. I have fallen in love with places I have never been and people I have not met. Out in this crazy wild universe. And to think because I came across a Facebook ad one lonely night in February! Hope thiswasn't  too wordy, if you have any questions about my organization or travel tips or any info on Thailand, please just ask :) 

It's now Friday afternoon and it's time to explore the market and catch up with friends. Training Thai teachers this weekend so will be nice to be home for a change. Passport has been renewed and I pick it up in two weeks then I get to apply for the Oz work holiday visa...I have caught wanderlust and I have it bad :) until next time! 

Xoxo

Cailin 

Photos Galore!

Per usual, my upload went all over the place so I'll attempt to summarize the photos. Some are taken in California, the rest are in Thailand when my parents came out to visit. I'll be adding captions soon! 

Pat and Danny <3

Teng mo!

busted taking selfies with my baby girl

unhappy haha

backyard with Tilly

baby girl!

creek day

selfie 

Tilly and I

love her

had to bribe her with the ball

She was over it

Kbell modeling

miss her, can't believe she's 6!

Hopper...

love him...he's 18!

California dinner <3

evil eye

helping me pack

miss her

Zig!

backyard hike with my mom

The woods!

this girl

Zig!

Cousin Kenny and Jordan!

Meaty is soooo fat...haha

haha oh this picture...cousins and I

I love you Pa. You are missed

SF!

Love this city

SF

Market in SF

amazeballs. Lamb

veggie dish

Good morning in The Philippines

Flying over Vietnam!

Cambodia!

Cambodia!

Thailand

Home

Wedding fun

My sister

The girls

So cute

Love this photo, so happy for your Jenna!

We clean up nice

Basically sums the wedding party up

Sierra and I giving a toast

Congratulating the happy couple

Reunited

Mae Chan sky

aroi mak!

deflooded my room for the weekend

my struggle

the school flooded!

meatballs

chicken steak dinner in Mae Sai

dinner with Thai friends

aroi!

My Thai sister. P Fa

Never enough photos

Mike Wood and my Dad 

Yolanda and sister 

wedding campfire

Bro and Jack

SF with family

I hate these things!

Penguin love

Bikes are getting weird in SF

Japanese Tea Gardens and SF Botanical Garden with my aunt, mom, and cousins. 

America

Thailand with my parents