September 2012
I moved to San Diego in 2012 after exploring Peru for the summer. I was a bit depressed after having a summer of a lifetime- meeting people from around the world and soaking up Peruvian culture (I was born in Lima and this was my gift to myself). I ate street food and stayed in hostels, had electronics stolen and slept on 21 hour bus rides. I lived in the amazon with no electricity and befriend two howler monkeys that slept with me at night. I volunteered in a government school and had hundreds of students singing and dancing. Festivals were an every day activity and always surrounded by beautiful souls. I hiked in the biggest canyons in the world, stayed the night on Lake Titikaka, and hiked the inca trail. Yes, a trip of a lifetime. I was poor and had little money and when I flew home I bought a one way ticket to San Diego to start my new life there. Friends from college helped me with transpiration and housing until I got my own place and my mom drove a car down for me. I worked odd jobs, but primarily stayed in Ocean Beach to keep being distracted from reality.
January 2013 - January 2014
I knew I wanted to travel again, but my dream of traveling started to fade when I landed this bank job January 2013. Anyhow, I worked a lot (overtime galore). Leaving for work when the sun wasn't up yet to leaving the office when the sun had set. Granted not all the time, but I love being outside and the sunshine is my favorite thing (hence why I moved from Santa Cruz to San Diego), but wasn't really able to enjoy where I was living. I also had broken my hand that winter and had surgery and went through intense hand therapy to get mobility back. From an avid runner and active person to being told I may never have full function of my hand again...well you can imagine my determination to get it back. Once I was approved to try some activities, I signed up for a Groupon that scored me a month of unlimited yoga and the studio was by my house. I was a gymnast when I was younger, but shattered my arms goofing off doing back handsprings so ended my little career at 14. However I loved tumbling. Well after my hand therapy I couldn't even do downward dog. I was too scared to put any weight on my $20,000 hand in case it broke again. Shows how much I know about recovery. Well the yoga instructors were so helpful with giving me alternatives for certain postures I started coming every day to class because it not only improved my hand mobility, I started to make a network of friends and my depression started to slip off my shoulders with every asana I practiced. After my month I knew I would make the membership work for me ($129/month yikes), but I went every day and sometimes twice (more for meditation) and it was well worth the price. I became hooked and it kept my sanity at work. I started in April 2013 and never looked back. Well a job opening in my department opened up and my boss wanted me to apply for it so I did and I was super nervous about it and then I got it and with it became an even higher offer, a foreclosure specialist. Have I ever worked in foreclosures? Nope. But I knew how our department worked and hoped I would be quick enough to learn everything. Well with a new job meant a lot of new information being thrown at me and found myself going to yoga more and more. Add a sad relationship in there and my depression came back a bit. I wasn't my happy self and I recognized it, but was too tired to make any changes. Felt that I could just stick it out. That I was just going through a slump. But 2013 wasn't all that bad...One of my good friends from college moved to San Diego early in the year so I had a new friend to explore the city with. We made a bucket list and soon we were exploring breweries and beaches, hiking and spearfishing (side note, came eye to eye with a fish and just couldn't do it so speared seaweed instead). Introduced her to another one of my friends from college and we became a trio. We went sailing all summer, drank lots of champagne, and really got to make San Diego our home. Jackie and I bought a groupon for our dive certifications and it was the best birthday gift to myself ever. We loved our SEALs (navy SEALs) even though they couldn't stand us, but they really loved us (we hope). We went every weekend after our certification and that's when I fell in love with the world down under. Sharks, octopus, fish, and eels galore. Bat rays and lobsters. A true heaven. That's also where my wanderlust itch started to surface again. I was dating a guy who had told me that he was looking for a serious relationship, someone to settle down with, someone to start a family with. He was 31 and I appreciated the honesty upfront. He said he didn't want to date me if I still planned on traveling. Well since my friends were dating guys and I didn't want to be alone I had decided to give the relationship a go. Then he broke up with me on Thanksgiving, on the phone. I had to work the day before and the day after so I spent thanksgiving alone in San Diego. Woke up and went for a nice walk on the beach, acai bowl for brunch, a walk on the pier. Took a yoga class and was getting all settled in for Harry Potter and got the call. So after we hung up I basically just broke down in tears. I'm a sap in general and called my parents and got to talk to my family and immediately felt better. Well he called me back and said he changed his mind and wanted to stay with me. The emotions I went through, I just couldn't deal. Well his grandmother had just passed away and he was home for the service and said he got to talk to her before her last words and that's when he thought we could make it work. Somehow I felt relieved and was able to fall asleep. I confided with my coworker (she honestly knows me the best because of how much time we spend together and I somehow tell her everything) and well, she knew we wouldn't work, but I was too stubborn to really listen. I didn't want to be single over the holidays. Christmas I got to see my family and had a great time in SF and with my grandparents. Got grounded again. I also started to notice that while I was with my boyfriend I didn't go to yoga as much, but I ignored my calendar (I really didn't want to see the signs apparently). New Years was good and then we went on a ski trip and the day we got back he broke up with me. I had no tears left to cry after that and just got my things from his room and drove to my friends house and told her everything. I didn't cry, part of me knew we weren't going to work. So I deleted my Facebook because we had a lot of friends in common and didn't want to deal with anything and threw myself into yoga and work. Was so happy to be in the studio and couldn't believe I stopped going all for a boy. Yoga unravels layers and I didn't want to see what I was hiding even from myself. However I had a feeling that 2013 was a building year for me and that 2014 would be my year to shine. And I had no idea what was in store for me.
February 2014
I llicked my wounds through my yoga practice and was approached by one of my favorite instructors to have a chat with her. And it was about signing up for teacher training 200 hour program. I saw the price and flinched, but she said there are payment options and we would make it possible. I went home that night and called my mom and she was thrilled about the idea. I've always loved fitness (gymnastics, soccer, ski team, running) and yoga is much better for your body. Oh and side note, at this point I could do inversions and full handstands and one arm poses, my hand had recovered and I trusted myself again. So the next day I went to the studio and after the class I signed up. I was told to keep a journal and write after every class. About themes, feelings, music, and whatever else surfaced during the practice. The class didn't start for a month so I went every day to a class and wrote some sentences, but nothing too deep. Heart opening postures, how my hand felt in certain asanas, my like/dislike towards music, etc. well the night of the first meeting I was so nervous. And very shy. We all introduced ourselves and did some yoga and got to know each other. By the end of class we had OMies and names and numbers exchanged. That's also when the sheet went around to make a Facebook group. I still hadn't activated mine back, but felt I could do it for the group. So that night at the end of February I sat in front of my computer and logged into my dreaded Facebook. Of course the first thing I did was unfriend my ex, don't want to see any updates about him. So adds start happening from my yogis and I start scrolling through my newsfeed and came across a paid teaching ad in Thailand. I've always wanted to teach again and to get paid sounded even better, I clicked on the ad and got directed to the GVI website. So I applied. Spent about an hour or so on the application and clicked send. Never would have thought anything would come from that. Oh universe, you sly beautiful soul.
March 2014.
Only an email response a few weeks later popped up and we setup a phone interview. Two happened over this month and I was doing so much yoga and spending a lot of time with my new friends. I confided in my group about my plan and they were all so supportive, the best support group I could have hoped for. However I was also so nervous because what if...(insert every fear and doubt here). Well everything happens for a reason whether we want to believe it in that moment or not.
April 2014
Yoga teacher training was coming to an end and I had made my deposit with the Thailand program and now I needed to break the news to my parents. Our last yoga class I had drawn a stone labeled "love" and we all had to sit with the stone we chose and talk about what it meant to us. I first thought I would talk about my love for the group, but when my turn fell I just started to talk about my journey until this point and realized that I had fallen back in love with myself again. I surrounded myself with beautiful souls and positive people, they have been my rock and have reflected how I see myself and now instead of seeing damaged and lost, I saw happiness and smiles. I struggled with an eating disorder since I was 13. A boy told me I would be prettier if I was thinner and I figured out how to hurt myself (bulemia) to prevent weight gain and to limit my calorie intake to 1000kcal/day. I told him I lost 5lbs in two days and he said cool and would hang out with me. Disgusting, I'm aware- but that's how it started and I got hooked ever since. It went through waves, but I have always had a pretty hard time looking at my body. Especially in a yoga room when there are slim slender bodies all around me, was hard for me not to compare. But with my yoga teacher training (and journaling a lot) I learned to appreciate my strengths and to love myself again. I was told I couldn't use my hand again and now I'm always doing inversions any chance I get, I got into yoga sculpt (free weights), and knew when to push me and when to relax. With that being said, I told myself before my teacher training began I would completely stop. I had already reduced to it to once or twice a month rather than every meal and I haven't looked back since. Anyhow, I confessed to the group about my ability to love myself again when I didn't really know I was lost. Tears flooded my eyes and my friend comforted me. I am such a mess! My friends know I cry at everything (any emotion I swear, my chakras need some balance hehe). So by the end of April I had completed my 200hour YTT and accepted the job in Thailand!
May 2014
Now it was time to see how my parents would react. I'm very close with them and was rather nervous about telling them I am moving to Thailand for a year and not sure when I will be back...I saw my parents a couple times this month. One weekend for Mother's Day weekend and the next was for my best friends wedding in our home town (was a bridesmaid). At this point all my friends knew Thailand was happening and my parents seemed to take the news quite well. Although I don't think they believed me, honestly I didn't believe it myself, it sounded completely absurd. My birthday was fantastic and the wedding was perfect. Ended the month with LIB with one of my closest friends from YTT.
June- July 2014
Paperwork galore with the organization and I started to panic a bit. Not thinking I had enough money and so any doubts surfaced, so through myself into more yoga to keep my sanity. Work was a scary time (we had a merger this year so many jobs were lossed and titles changes) so I did my best to just keep my head low and do paperwork until I went crosseyed.
August 2014
Now was the time when I needed to buy my ticket...I gave my 30 days to my roommate (I do miss our yogi house) and now needed to start tying up everything on my end so I can be out of San Diego on the 15th. Bought my first ever one way international flight! SFO to Chiang Mai. You know I didn't even look up where Thailand was on a map until my BFF came to visit and we looked on a map in July. She was like "you didn't even look to where it was!?" "Well I knew Thailand was in Asia, just didn't realize it was so far..." Classic Cailin moment. I also had the opportunity to spend a weekend with my two BFFs from growin up and we hadn't been together in forever (6-7 years?) and they celebrated my decision and well we just had lots to celebrate. (One got engaged and asked both of us to be bridesmaids, hooray!) Came back to San Diego and then I gave my two weeks notice to my work and almost threw up. Was so nervous to meet with my bosses, but was so relieved that they were supportive of my decision. They kept it quiet until September when they would make an announcement.
September 2014
Fastest month of my life. Jackie helped me eliminate most of my stuff in San Diego since I had to make everything fit in my jeep (including my mountain bike). Two bottles of wine helped and tears and realizing this was our last girly night hanging out, was quite sad. One of my really good friends knew I wanted to see a San Diego chargers game before I left, but ran out of town and money so he surprised me with field level tickets the day before I left! And we won! Spent most of my time with my OMies and did yoga even on my last day in San Diego. My roommate and I cried and hugged an she told me I had to come back. So the next couple weeks my time was spent by the ocean with friends and family and unloaded my boxes at my parents and packed a suitcase and my backpack and then my dad drove me to SFO super early in the morning of the 24th. He turned to me and said "I can't believe you're really doing this." "I can't believe it either." My mom had a hard time saying goodbye, but I reassured her I would iMessage 24/7. My dad and I have burgers and fries and a coke at the airport (last meal in America, gotta do it right) and then I went to the queue for security and he left - he started to cry and didn't want me to see. I surprisingly wasn't in tears, I think I had cried enough that year that I was prepared for this moment. I felt at peace in the airport and patiently awaited the boarding call and got seated and turned my phone on airplane mode and that was it. Then we were off and I fell asleep most of the way. Woke up to watch a movie then fell asleep and woke up in Singapore. Explored that crazy beautiful airport and did some dorky yoga poses to post on Instagram and skyped a little and slept. Then was off to Chiang Mai! Just praying someone had a sign with my name on it. Went through immigration smoothly and sure enough there was someone there with my name on a sign and I got escorted to a Tuk Tuk and arrived at Eco Resort...which is where my blog starts :)
So it's not exactly I just decided to, but I just did it. And when you want something bad enough everything in the universe conspires for you. I deserve it all, I am enough, I am strong enough. Thailand has been the best decision of my life. It has surfaced insecurities, strengths, love, heartbreak, passion for life, uncontrollable laughter, meeting the most amazing people I could ever have hoped for. I have fallen in love with places I have never been and people I have not met. Out in this crazy wild universe. And to think because I came across a Facebook ad one lonely night in February! Hope thiswasn't too wordy, if you have any questions about my organization or travel tips or any info on Thailand, please just ask :)
It's now Friday afternoon and it's time to explore the market and catch up with friends. Training Thai teachers this weekend so will be nice to be home for a change. Passport has been renewed and I pick it up in two weeks then I get to apply for the Oz work holiday visa...I have caught wanderlust and I have it bad :) until next time!
Xoxo
Cailin
Your story is so inspiring! I'm sure your students benefit from your courageous adventures too. Safe travels and thanks for sharing!
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